The Sex Talk
And no, we’re not talking about the one that you have with your children, or try not to have with that random kid you’re babysitting who tries to get you to tell them about where ‘babies come from’. (PS, the answer to that one is always “That’s a great question to ask your parents. Now, who wants to play hide and seek?”) We’re talking about the talk that we should all be having when starting a new relationship with someone that will involve some kind sex (or not!).
So, you’re dating someone new!
Congratulations, this is a really exciting time for lots of reasons, but it’s also a great opportunity to have this conversation and communicate early on about sex, sexuality and boundaries, ideally before you’ve even gotten to a sexual aspect in your relationship.
Here are a few things key things to discuss before becoming sexual with a partner, or to revisit anytime in a relationship:
1. know your own boundaries
When you know your boundaries, it’s easier to set them
- If you know you want to wait a certain amount of time before becoming sexual, let your partner know that upfront
- Everybody moves at different paces and you’re allowed to want to move at different paces with different partners and at different times of your life
2. the sti conversation
- Help to normalize this conversation and keep yourself and your partner as safe and informed as possible!
- “I just got tested for STIs last month and my tests came back negative; have you gotten tested recently?”
- “I’d really like to hook up with you & think we’d have a lot of fun! I do want you to know that I do have HSV 2; I don’t currently have an active outbreak.”
3. the act itself
- “I was thinking it could be fun to talk about what we like and enjoy sexually so we can have more fun together! What do you like during sex?”
- Make sure you mention any hard limits or boundaries– “I do also want to mention that I do have certain things I don’t like – I don’t enjoy anal play and that’s a hard limit for me.”
- Ask them questions – how do you like being touched?
Once you’ve had that conversation, congratulations! It doesn’t stop there though; keep the conversation going throughout your relationship and continuously give each other space for feedback. Talk about your sexual encounters together while snuggling after – mention what you enjoyed and really want more of! Give them the option to mention if they didn’t like anything (hint: this opens the door for them to ask you as well) – “Was there anything that we did today that you didn’t particularly enjoy or didn’t want more of?”
Take some time to reflect right now on your relationship with sex and starting to date somebody.
- What is one sexual boundary you want to set when starting to date?
- Communicate your sexual wants, needs and boundaries both before, during and after sex with a new partner and keep that line of communication open for as long as the relationship lasts!
- Have fun! Communicating about sex can be very playful, vulnerable and sexy if done with the right person and by creating a space of trust and intimacy.
We believe in you, so go have the sex talk!